I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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