sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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