the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
