The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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