it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
