Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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