I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
