so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
