guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
even my farts smell like vagina
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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