Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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