When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
