goodnight i made you a song goodbye
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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