he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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