Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
