is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize