Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize