There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
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