I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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