We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
