Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
