Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize