I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
