When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
