What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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