he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
