theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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