i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
