i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize