arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
