this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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