I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
