I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
