Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
