The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
