We need to rekindle our bromance
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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