I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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