Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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