Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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