i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
