Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
