thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize