Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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