I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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