life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
