a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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