Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
