I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
