Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
