when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
