I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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