she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
