Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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