You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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