I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
where are you?
Hypothermia
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
