Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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