I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
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