I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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