Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
