I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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