I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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