I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
