He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
