Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
