all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I love you.
Bad choice
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