So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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